The Avengers Infinity War

This post contains spoilers and I’d really suggest you exit out if you haven’t seen the movie yet.

 

First Impression

 

Still here? Good well I hope you’ll share your own first impressions of the movie with me. I for one couldn’t begin to review it and in fact feel the strong need to see it again to fully process it all. There is a lot going on in this movie and I think the genius of it is that it will practically require a second viewing from nearly everyone. I was so floored at the end of the movie that I barely know what happened before the credits started to roll. I vaguely remember Thanos sitting by a lake but I couldn’t say for sure what happened. Once our heroes started fading away into the wind I was lost.

I know that most, if not all, of these characters will inevitably return but that does little to take the sting out of the ending. They lost! The Avengers actually lost and the consequences were dire. I was more than floored, I was like Vision after Scarlett Witch sent him crashing through the ground in Civil War. There were characters I went into this movie fully expecting to lose before it was all said and done. It’s like they knew what I was thinking though and did the exact opposite.

I think Marvel somehow knew what everyone was thinking and they managed to shock us all. Never in my wildest dreams did I see some of these guys fading into dust. I am amazed at the decision to have Black Panther as one of the characters because the studio is literally still raking in the cash from the character’s debut film in theaters. It takes a lot of balls to create such a massive following for a character and then kill him off mere months later. Black Panther made me gasp, but Dr. Strange! Star Lord! Spider-Man for crying out loud! I think Spider-Man’s emotional fading away was the hardest for me to take, and to understand.

They must be freaking out over at Sony. I cannot believe they would actually go along with Marvel if the plans were to kill him off in this movie. I mean it seems like an insane idea. The sequel for Homecoming has already been announced but they can’t advertise or reveal anything about the movie before the next Avengers film when Spider-Man inevitably returns. From a marketing standpoint alone it doesn’t seem like a good idea and I would never trust anybody who said they saw that coming in this movie. The next Avengers is due out next May and the Spider-Man sequel is due out two months later. It’s hard to believe we won’t see a preview for the new Spider-Man prior to May but how can we when he is dead in when the Avengers starts?

I went to see this movie with my mother on the first possible showing I could get to. I flew home from vacation on Thursday night and skipped out on work the next day in favor of seeing the film. 11:05 on the opening Friday was the absolute first possible chance I had to see it and I absolutely couldn’t wait any longer. After the movie my mom and I went to lunch and she was trying to talk to me but I couldn’t find any words to reciprocate the conversation. I think I was literally in shock at how this movie ended and honestly that feeling has stayed with me for the past few days.

I don’t know that I have ever been hit so hard by a film’s ending. Yes there are more dramatic endings out there but this was all just so unexpected that I can’t help but put it near or on the top. There are precious few films I walk out of and feel different. This is one of them. It wasn’t the best sort of different because I felt defeated when I left this movie. I had been thrilled through and through but leveled to the ground in the end.

I by no means am talking bad about the film. I loved the movie, but it left me a shock that I haven’t been able to shake. All I can think about is how much it means for the next movie. Regardless what happens to bring everyone back we can at least expect a movie that doesn’t fully feature the likes of Spider-Man, Dr. Strange, Black Panther, and so many more.

Truthfully, these days as long as we got Thor we definitely have something to look forward to and I have no doubt that the next Avengers film will be awesome. I revel in the opportunity to see all these characters together though and I don’t think we get that until most likely the end of the next film or late in the second act at best. It will be cool to see pretty much the original Avengers regroup to fight Thanos a second time and win but it will have high expectations to live up to.

This movie managed to not only live up to but to exceed expectations and that gives me hope. We will finally see what Hawkeye has been up to and Ant Man will be on hand to help out too. Their complete absence in this film was disappointing but at least in Ant Man’s case it makes sense because he has a new film due out in a couple of months. I look forward to seeing Ant Man and The Wasp particularly to see how it ends and if anybody fades into dust.

I am a sucker for records being broken and it pleased me to no end that this movie not only broke, but shattered the opening weekend box office record. Making over $258 million in three days is impressive, and good enough to beat out the insane $248 that the The Force Awakens made. It’s so awesome that with this culmination of a ten year cinematic journey that they were able to duke it out with the greatest franchise in history and win. I am not the biggest Star Wars fan, but I have to admire its earning potential. It’ll be hard for The Avengers to stay atop the box office in the summer with so much coming out on a weekly basis, so it’ll be really interesting to see if it matches Black Panther numbers, which continue to grow.

I might sit down and write about this movie again after I see it a second, and maybe third, time and properly digest it. I can’t process it all now, I’m in such a state of shock that I can’t even put my thoughts together properly. For now, if you’re still with me at this point, share your thoughts on the film. What shocked you the most? Where do you think they go from here? Most importantly, what did you think of the movie and will you see it again?

 

Terms of Endearment

Year: 1983
Directed By: James L Brooks
Written By: Larry McMurty (novel) James L Brooks (screenplay)

RYAN’S REVIEW

This is a movie that I would never normally go for and in fact had never even heard of it until about six years ago. I was listening to my favorite morning radio show when I heard about it. A funny conversation about the movie caught my attention and I sought out the film to see it for myself. When I saw this film for the first time I was really impressed with the drama of it all. The performances of Jack Nicholson and Shirley MacLaine were very strong and I felt it qualified for a place on the shelf.

Years ago I was riding around listening to my favorite morning radio show, The Two Guys Named Chris. They had gotten a big celebrity interview with Jeff Daniels and spent all morning teasing it. As I drove along and listened to the host, Chris Kelly, interview Daniels he spent most of the time talking about this movie I had never heard of, Terms of Endearment. At one point he asked Daniels what the Oscars were like to which Daniels replied he didn’t know because he had never been invited. He apparently was the only actor not nominated for his role in the movie and it led to an awkward exchange that had me laughing all the way home.

With this interview leaving me laughing I had to see the movie that had amassed so many awards the year before I was born. Little did I know that while the interview left me laughing this movie would inspire very few laughs and in fact I’m unashamed to admit I cried my freaking eyes out. Watching it this time around was even worse because I find myself the head of a family of five and the heartache hits home so much harder.

I dare you to watch this movie and keep your eyes dry. If you manage it I’d question whether or not you actually have a soul because this is the type of movie to suck you in and then bring you to your knees emotionally. As we watched it I literally found myself trying to look away so I didn’t cry my eyes out in front of my wife, but I failed and the tears fell.

I bought this movie and added it to the collection after seeing it for the first time because of the emotional response it got out of me. As life carries on you can almost become numb to things over time but movies like this remind me that I’m still alive because it makes my emotions bleed through my eyes.

Another reason I bought this movie was because I simply marveled at Jack Nicholson. I have never been a fan, and I always admire an actor I don’t like that manages to win me over. One of my favorite lines in this movie is from the scene where Shirley MacLaine went to his house for the first time and mentioned that his home was a bit egotistical. It is decorated heavily with space and astronaut stuff. His reply was something like “there are only 100 astronauts in the whole fucking world and I’m one of them!” That he had a right to be egotistical was hilarious to me and I love that line and scene.

Months later….

OK so we started binging Game of Thrones and it took us a couple of months. Somewhere along the line this post got lost in the shuffle and I couldn’t begin to tack on a finisher now. I don’t even have the energy to read back through this sad and unfortunate film to proofread it so excuse me if there are typos in it. It’s a tough one, but I think it is definitely worth your time under the right circumstances.

NEXT MOVIE: Thank You for Smoking (2005)

 

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Year: 2003
Directed By: Jonathan Mostow
Written By: James Cameron and Gale Anne Hurd (characters written by), John Brancato, Michael Ferris, and Tedi Sarafian

RYAN’S REVIEW

This is where our journey in this franchise ends, because there is nothing worthy of the collection that follows. After 12 years of waiting for a potential sequel to Judgement Day we finally got something that sported some good things and some bad things. I think the story for this film was really the strength and it was a fantastic idea that made sense in the end. However, they simply couldn’t have done a worse job in the casting of an adult John Connor.

I think that a new terminator coming back in time to take out not John Connor himself but his top lieutenants was a great idea. I think the action that follows is both exciting and up to par with the franchise. The car chase scene in the beginning was especially well made and if I’m not mistaken Schwarzenegger funded part of it out of pocket to get it that awesome (though he made so much money to come back this was an easy decision for him). I thought it finally made sense in the end how this weak and pathetic John Connor ended up as the leader of the human resistance. It was that interesting twist at the end that impressed me.

The problem with this movie is so big that it threatens the film as a whole. Despite all the great action, despite Schwarzenegger bringing his A game to hold on to any credibility he had left in a changing industry, and despite the well conceived story there was just nothing that could quite overcome the casting of Nick Stahl as John Connor. I get it if they didn’t want Edward Furlong back, or if they couldn’t get him. I don’t see how the kid from T2 grows up to be the guy we see in this movie. Furlong played a tough and street smart kid who looked totally believable to rise in the future. He was reloading weapons and hacking into bank accounts in Judgement Day like a 10 year old badass. The man we see in this movie is a pussy plain and simple. He spends most of the movie bitching about everything and he comes off as overwhelmingly pathetic. He is unsure of himself and wears that on his sleeve but most importantly he is just lame, even threatening to kill himself at one point.

In fact, Claire Danes was much more badass in the role of Katherine Brewster, who would grow up to be John’s second in command and wife. I really liked that since John was off the grid that a terminator had been sent back to kill the young versions of his future lieutenants. It’s a cool concept that makes sense but John coincidentally crossing paths with this new terminator is a bit lame. Had to bring the story together somehow right? I don’t know that it was really necessary to make the new villain a “T-X” instead of a Terminator we had already seen. I mean how do they keep making upgrades in this future that keeps getting stopped or delayed? They had to up the ante somehow, but I think it is a typical mistake to do so.

I mentioned that Schwarzenegger brought his A game to this movie and he did. The physical condition he was able to get into alone at his age (56) was impressive but not as impressive as his contract. His contract was an unprecedented amount of money, something like $29 million as well as a part of the proceeds and plenty of perks. Making things even more interesting was the fact that this movie came out the exact same year Schwarzenegger took office for the first of his two terms as the California Governor. In this movie I think he again leaned too much on an effort to be funny but it didn’t bother me as much as it did in T2. I actually thought he had a bit more edge to him in this movie when he was clear about not being the same terminator and having no obligation to John beyond his mission.

After taking eight years off of acting to focus on his side venture political career Schwarzenegger got right back into the mix of things when his term ended. Not only going back to his bread and butter, action films, but even becoming the terminator for a fourth time in the God awful Terminator: Genisys. He continues to work toward yet another sequel, albeit this time with James Cameron’s involvement (allegedly), but nobody wants him to at this point. Schwarzenegger is a man of great ability to succeed and I have no doubt that he will eventually find a new niche in the world to make himself even more famous and wealthy. Hell, with the way things are going in this ass backwards country there may finally be that new Amendment passed that will allow him to run for President.

This movie isn’t bad, but it simply isn’t James Cameron and that makes such a difference. James Cameron, as my brother pointed out in his T2 rebuttal is the Jesus Christ/savior of the movie industry. I’ll never forget sitting in the theater watching Avatar years ago and realizing what James Cameron had accomplished. In this current climate of declining theater attendance there is less and less reason to go to the theaters these days. Yet when I watched Avatar I saw the future. I saw that James Cameron had created not just a visual spectical, but a reason to leave the comforts of home and go to the theater. Avatar was a movie that could only be properly seen in the theater. Take away Cameron’s 3D effects and you had nothing more than a Pocahontas story with blue people, but in the theater with those glasses on was an effect that couldn’t be recreated at home. Of course that has been an impossibly long six years ago with little change to the industry. However, with three sequels coming out in tandem in the eventual future there is still hope to see how Cameron changes the industry permanently.

Cameron’s absence in this franchise started a downward spiral of quality to the Terminator brand. There was a TV show, The Sarah Conner Chronicles, and it wasn’t bad but the fourth film was. I remember being really excited to see Christian Bale as John Connor in Terminator Salvation and being so disappointed in the movie I literally got up and left the theater. I was interested in Genysis when it came out but not enough to venture out to the theater. I was really intrigued by the Schwarzenegger vs. Schwarzenegger fight the movie sported but it wasn’t good enough to overcome what was simply a really bad movie. I sat patiently through the movie when we rented it but threw my hands in the air in disgust at the end when Schwarzenegger was “upgraded” to a T-1000.

This franchise took a lick with Genysis but as long as Schwarzenegger is backing it there is really no end in sight. It’d probably take a few bad movies to put it to rest but there is always the inevitable reboot so I wouldn’t expect them to leave the Terminator to rest in peace any time soon. So I’m inclined to say this movie is definitely worth your time because this is probably as good as it gets for the franchise. It’s all downhill from here, or truthfully it’s been all downhill since the first film came out but it at least stayed interesting through three films.

NEXT MOVIE: Terms of Endearment (1983)

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Year: 1991
Directed By: James Cameron
Written By: James Cameron and William Wisher

RYAN’S REVIEW

12/3/17

Sometimes this journey through our DVD collection thoroughly surprises me. Sometimes I go into something with a certain impression and find that I was entirely wrong to begin with. I sat down to this movie whole heartedly expecting to like it more than its predecessor. While I do love this movie, and I do think it is one of the greatest sequels ever made, I find myself really having enjoyed the first film more. The action is better in this one but there is a tonal shift that I am not crazy about. It’s not as hardcore as the first film and has a lighter, almost comical, tone that doesn’t sit right when watching them back to back.

I really loved Schwarzenegger as the terminator in the first film. The first time around he was a cold blooded killer who didn’t say much but didn’t have to. This movie is a full blown Schwarzenegger love fest with a terminator that doesn’t kill and asks far too many questions. Granted things were much different for Schwarzenegger in 1991 when he had more power, and an image to protect. I always liked Schwarzenegger better in the 80s when he was a bit more rough around the edges. Once the 90’s rolled around he became the musclebound funny guy with a lot less violence to his performances. He grew more famous, but I think the product suffered a bit and after watching this I just don’t think this T-800 compares to the one we saw in the first one. He simply talks too much in this movie.

Robert Patrick on the other hand fills the void of villain nicely. I don’t understand why Robert Patrick wasn’t utilized anymore than he was as a villain over the years because he was great in this movie. James Cameron handpicked him after seeing him in Die Hard 2 but it seems no one else saw what Cameron did as his career lagged through the 90s before finding his niche on television in recent years. As the T-1000 he’s as ruthless and unstoppable as Schwarzenegger should have been.

1/23/18

I’ve now let this review sit for over a month and I still haven’t found the right words to finish it up. I think I was just flabbergasted by my lack of enthusiasm after watching it. This is such an important film and such a fixture in my household growing up that it just can’t be right. However watching the first film and this in succession left me thinking this one really wasn’t all that good.

That isn’t the case of course, this is a timeless classic and I love the movie. I just feel like the first one was much better and I can’t get past that realization.

I can’t close this out because my tone is all wrong and I can’t get it back. There aren’t enough words in the world to convey quite how influential this movie was in the household I grew up in. Lines like “he’ll live” and “I know now why you cry” were dropped on a regular basis and even to this day I hear those lines coming from my brother. Not only that but I’m pretty sure my brother has some sort of neurological disorder fixated on this movie. No matter where we are or what we are doing he is humming, whistling, tapping, or just making general noise to the beat of this movie’s score.

It’s also my brother holding me up on this one because I know he is going to read this and find my impression to be nothing short of blasphemous. The expectations are simply too high and my thoughts don’t live up to them.

This is a groundbreaking movie for special effects and action, but I think it lacks the edge that the first film had. The first film is darker and that is simply what I prefer in this franchise. I don’t care how likable Schwarzenegger needed to be to protect and enhance his own product. I thought he was better as the quiet and ruthless killer. In truth it makes little sense for him to be in this movie at all. Why would they send the same model Terminator that was sent to kill Sarah Connor anyway?

This was and is a vehicle for Schwarzenegger and wanting to be the good guy was natural whether it makes any sense or not. It’s one of the things I have always admired about Schwarzenegger, throughout his entire career he has not been a man to say no to, be it as a movie star, television star, or even Governor. It’s an incredible life the man has lived and one day it will make an exciting story. Doesn’t matter if his smiling Terminator was a poor substitute for his killer Terminator or not.

Despite my opinions posted here I do think this is one of the best sequels ever made and it was a great continuation of the franchise. It easily is the primary reason the franchise has never been able to be put to rest properly. Everybody wants to get this glory back but no matter what they do they simply aren’t James Cameron and they can’t get it done.

Leave this franchise alone people, and um I’m speaking to you Mr. Schwarzenegger. Every new entry only tarnishes the legacy of something great. So to bring my rambling to an end I’ll simply say that of course this movie is worth your time and if you haven’t seen it there is something wrong with you.

There is so much more to discuss but I’m spent, I’ve sat on this one long enough. Maybe I’ll come back to it in time and discuss the badass Linda Hamilton or the snarky and street smart Edward Furlong. In the meantime feel free to share your own thoughts, because this one did not go at all as I expected.

NEXT MOVIE: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

As expected my brother had some thought about the lackluster review I wrote for one of his most beloved movies. He made several good points so I thought I’d share them with everyone. Without any further adieu, here they are:

NICK’S THOUGHTS

Just a few issues I had with your review.  I have to get to work so not a lot of time here.

First of all every proper savior must have the initials JC.  Humanity – Jesus Christ.  Terminator – John Connor.  Rome – Julius Ceaser.  Pinocchio – Jiminy Cricket.  Madden – John Campbell.  And even cinema with James Cameron.  Failing to mention this fails to educate your legion of readers.

Second the warning of AI.  While Cameron isn’t the first to mention this he does drive the point home.  We are within decades of not being the smartest kids on the block.  I was just listening to a lecture by Sam Harris the other day where he says and I quote “I’m not saying we’re going to invent Skynet here, but we have to stop and steer this thing in a direction we want.  We tell this thing that we don’t want any more spam and it decides to create an army of terminators to wipe out humanity because that’s one potential way to stop spam.”

The information dump.  The scene where they’re driving through the desert and Arnold spills the entire back story within 2 minutes that has as much story as the whole movie combined and nicely ties it all together.  I love these.  See Donald Sutherland in JFK, Sam Neil in Event Horizon, Morpheus in the Matrix and the Architect in the Matrix Reloaded.

The scene in the park where the nuke goes off while she’s shaking the fence.  Absolutely terrifying to 10 year Nick like nothing else he’d seen to that point.

While the scene from the first movie where Arnold goes into the fuzz station and handles his business is one of the greatest examples of badassdom ever, the 2^nd movie offers up a more than healthy buffet of badassness to feast on.

Yes there is some comedy in this one that is hard to reconcile, however I offer up the Asian guy that gets caught in the crossfire at the mall as a proof its worth it.  Hilarious.

And yes of course the soundtrack.  Nothing musically has ever been so catchy.  Nothing.

I’m sure I could go on but that’s what I got with 5 minutes.

Potential Return of The Office

Going all the way back to the mid 2000s Amber and I have been avid fans of The Office. Watching every new episode all the way up till the ending in 2013. We have since binged the entire series multiple times on Netflix. It is literally our go to when there is nothing on and we find that we are still laughing in nearly every episode.

So when I recently heard that there was a possible comeback for the show we were both very interested. I read that the show is looking to return with a mix of old and new characters. I am intrigued, but I do have a few thoughts about this possible comeback.

First, I don’t think I can take the show seriously without the presence of Dwight. The show ended with Dwight finally becoming Regional Manager and I don’t think it would be practical for any continuation without him in that role. The article I read said that they were looking for someone who could fill the shoes of Steve Carell but I think that would be a horrible mistake. Avid fans like us know, Dwight would never leave Dunder Mifflin, and I think he is already the character they are looking for. It’s not like Rainn Wilson has anything else going for him so he would be perfect as one of the returning characters.

Obviously Jim and Pam are out and I don’t think either of those characters should be involved. It’s blasphemous to say so but I never liked the two of them as a couple. They were terrific as the friends who were actually in love but once they actually got together I thought they lacked the chemistry to be a believable couple. Jim was great and I loved his shenanigans with Dwight but his character moved on to bigger and better things and it simply wouldn’t make sense to bring him back.

Other characters who moved on at the end of the season include Darryl (Athlead), Andy(Cornell), Oscar(running for office), Stanley(retired), Creed(in hiding from the law), Toby(fired by Dwight) and Kevin(opened a bar after being fired). I didn’t mention Ryan or Kelly because they were gone long before the show ended and I don’t see a return from either as practical.

That leaves Angela, Erin, Phyllis, Meredith, Pete, and Clark. I actually really liked the new additions in later seasons of Pete and Clark so I would like them to return. It’s hard to imagine Ellie Kemper coming back but Erin became one of my favorite characters and I really hope she does. I hope the door isn’t closed for an Oscar return, maybe his running for office didn’t pan out and he returned to his old job. I’d also really like Kevin to be the barkeep that makes regular appearances at happy hour.

I don’t know what is in store for any new rendition of the show but I know quite a few people like Amber and I who continue to watch the show on a regular basis. If anything I would assume that because it’s streaming on Netflix that the show is actually much more popular now than it ever was while airing weekly. Just last week I found myself at a resort in Cabo San Lucas and walked around wearing a Dunder Mifflin t-shirt that got a lot more attention than I expected.

I would really be open to a continuation of the show as many shows are currently seeing some sort of revival and finding success. If they don’t pick up in some sort of fashion where they left off though I would be really disappointed. Dwight will be the indicator about whether or not I give any new version a chance. I think the show should really get back to the basics. When it was its strongest was in the first three seasons before they started upping the ante for more laughs with weirder and weirder plot lines.

It should be just like Seinfeld, a show about nothing that takes place in an office with characters that peak our interest and keep us laughing.  That’s exactly what it was in the first three seasons and that’s where it should pick up. With Dwight as the zany boss that drives everyone nuts and some fresh faces to go along with some of our beloved older ones.

What do you think about a potential return of the series? Would you like to see Dwight still in charge or should they go with a new Michaelesque character? Which characters would you like to see return? Let us know with a comment or a message.

 

The Dark Tower

Year: 2017
Directed By: Nikolaj Arcel
Written By: Akiva Goldsman, Jeff Pinkner, Anders Thomas Jensen, and Nikolaj Arcel (so many writers…a wonder the script was a blur right?) Based on the The Dark Tower series by Stephen King

RYAN’S REVIEW

I’m one of those dedicated readers who climbed the tower all the way to the top and saw what was through the doorway of fate for Roland of Gilead. So I knew better than to expect too much from this movie. I mean for starters it seems a little baffling for several thousand pages to be condensed into an hour and a half movie. Beyond that there is just no way this story was ever going to translate to the screen the way we wanted it to. Considering all of that from the beginning puts this film in an interesting perspective. So when I received this movie as a Christmas present I was delighted to add it to the collection.

I love Idris Elba, I mean who doesn’t think Stringer Bell is the shit right? He’s a cool guy and I think he looks really good on paper but in this movie he seems like he doesn’t really know what to do with the character. In this movie he delivers one of the worst lines I have ever heard. Shortly after Jake discovers his mother has been killed the two find themselves sitting on a dock and Roland looks to Jake and says “I will kill him” or something to that effect. It’s a poorly written and poorly delivered line that just doesn’t hit the spot. I don’t think Idris Elba ever bothered to read the books and only went by the convoluted and regularly rewritten script. He has several moments in this one that make it worth it, but overall I just don’t think his heart was in it. I did think he looked cool as the gunslinger and I didn’t mind the race bending.

Matthew McConaughey on the other hand was simply overplaying his part. I do get the feeling that McConaughey read the books and got really invested into the part but I think he was over doing it nonetheless.  There are better ways to convey this type of bad guy and I don’t think McConaughey pulled it off at all. He’s too super powered as a magician that likes to make people stop breathing with the oh so subtle phrase of “Stop breathing.” Walter Paddock, Walter O Dim, The Man in Black are all incarnations of Randall Flagg and McConaughey had nothing on Jamey Sheridan. Yes, I’m comparing McConaughey to the television adaptation of The Stand and determining he sucked at this part.

I did think that Tom Taylor was fantastic in the part of Jake and probably gave the strongest performance among this film of giants. It’s sad that in a film with two such well known leads that the best performance is giving by the kid with barely any acting credits to his name. I don’t know much about this kid but looking over his IMDB page shows he came from television and I hope the future is bright for him. This movie certainly isn’t going to get his foot in the door to bigger parts but I think he showed a lot of promise in the role.

What I do like about this movie is that I feel like it is full on Stephen King. I am a big fan of King and noticed many easter eggs referencing the universe he has created in this writing. Off the top of my head I remember references to Cujo, It, and the Shining among others. There are probably tons more that I either didn’t notice or forgot to mention. I love Stephen King and the interesting ways his books manage to tie all together. I can’t claim to be a mega reader who has read all of his books but I have read many and more than most.

With the way Stephen King sells books it’s understandable why filmmakers would want to develop any of his works into featured films but I’m at a loss on what they were thinking when it came to this series. There are just so many problems in adapting it. First of all there are seven books in the series, eight if you count Wind Through the Keyhole, which is a lot for any film to take on. Where do you even start? You can’t really start with The Gunslinger because that book is barely readable much less adaptable. Had King not been so persistent this series would have never got off the ground. The second book, The Drawing of Three, is far and away superior to the first book in every way but it is so out there that I couldn’t imagine how someone would adapt it. When you go on from there it only gets weirder with a talking train, a really long flashback, then all hell breaks loose with worlds colliding. It just doesn’t translate into a film and they were never going to get it right in a short film at that.

What I don’t understand is how they approached this. If you aren’t franchise building with a property like this I don’t know what the point is and they obviously didn’t build this film for sequels. Killing off the main antagonist in the first film for example leaves little to build on and where are all the other characters besides Roland and Jake? If they were going to bring this story to the big screen they needed Eddie Dean at the very least, and I for one really would have liked to see Oy. The Dark Tower series is a rich and fantastic story but it’s really really weird and it just doesn’t make sense to adapt it with one film. You’re only going to disappoint people like me and you certainly aren’t going to make new fans with a movie that makes little sense to those who didn’t read the story.

I watched a YouTube video recently where the commentator listed this as one of the worst films of the year, and I can’t really say she was wrong. I found things that I liked about it but I was being generously optimistic in doing so. I liked the references to King’s other work and some of the action was satisfying enough. In the action I liked that they came up with all those nifty reloading tricks instead of having Roland twirl his gun like a gunslinger in a western. I always find it silly for people to twirl and shoot at targets in western movies. These shenanigans just seem unnecessary and foolish. A real badass doesn’t need to show off with tricks. Roland isn’t showing off his skill in this movie we simply see it through the action of him doing it.

If you made that long and arduous journey to the top of the tower like I did I’d be really interested to hear your thoughts on the film. I can’t say I loved this movie by any means but I honestly can’t say I hated it either. I found enough I enjoyed to add it to the collection but my bias is well noted here. I came into it with low enough expectations to avoid utter disappointment and found things worth wild. If you’re willing to do that then I think this movie might be worth your time. If you are unfamiliar with The Dark Tower or Stephen King then don’t even bother because it definitely isn’t worth your time.

Basic Instinct

The Movie Snobs

Year: 1992
Directed By: Paul Verhoven
Written By: Joe Eszterhas

RYAN’S REVIEW

Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.  Mix in murder, mystery, and psychology and you have made something people will definitely like.  It’s hard to narrow down movies you love the most when you love a lot of movies but this one falls within my top ten of all time. It is high up in my favorites, and has been for many years.  This movie is mysterious, it’s well made and acted, and it’s sexually charged in a way that gets everyone’s attention.  Some might call this a guilty pleasure but I don’t see the point in feeling guilty about something so good, it’s a great movie.

I like a few Paul Verhoven films but I think this was by far his best. He has a deliberately graphic style that I appreciate, especially today when so many sell out…

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The Terminator

Year: 1984
Directed By: James Cameron
Written By: James Cameron, Gale Anne Hurd, and William Wisher

RYAN’S REVIEW

This was one of the most successful films of the year in 1984 when I was born. I don’t remember specifically when I saw it for the first time. I have a deep memory of watching it with my Aunt and Uncle at a young age, and of course when I was older it was a staple in the household I became part of and then throughout life with my brother. There are few movies more beloved in the home I grew up in than The Terminator, and its sequel Judgement Day. This was a groundbreaking film that studios have always been determined to turn into a franchise with one desperate attempt after another. This movie undoubtedly left room to grow, but for whatever reason there is just no way to recreate the success of these movies with James Cameron behind camera.

James Cameron may be an asshole and notoriously hard to work with, but he is a God at filmmaking. I would literally put him on par with the likes of Stanley Kubrick and early Steven Spielberg. I think he is one of the most inventive and industry changing men alive today and I think the Avatar sequels will surprise us all in new and exciting groundbreaking ways. He took science fiction to new heights with films like this one, Aliens, and The Abyss. He stole the hearts of women all over the world with Titanic, making it one of the most successful box office films at all. Making that accomplishment even more impressive is the fact that Titanic has a three hour run time that limits how many tickets can be sold in a day. He broke all the records again when he revolutionized 3D films with Avatar. I saw it in the theater four times and it was worth every penny because it was a truly exceptional experience. You can never watch the movie today and get that same effect that the 3D created in the movie theater, if you missed it back in 09 you made a grave mistake. I wouldn’t be surprised to see it hit theaters again before it’s long awaited sequels are released so if you didn’t see it in the theater hold out hope for another chance. I think it’s easy to forget that there are more Avatar movies coming because it has been so long but when they come out James Cameron will again prove to be one of the most capable and revolutionizing filmmakers there is.

I don’t think one paragraph can accurately cover how much of a badass James Cameron is. I often joke that after Titanic and Avatar that James Cameron could make a movie about anything and studios would fall all over themselves for the rights to fund it. He could literally pitch a biographical feature about his old German Sheppard Wolfie and they’d give him a 250 million dollar budget for the film. This wasn’t always the case though as prior to this film he was actually living in his car. In fact his vision for this movie was so much grander than the budget allowed he had to cut many corners. In an effort to save money Cameron created what he called “guerrilla film making” where he would film on location without the proper permits. A lot of the movie is shot at night because Cameron and crew would show up, set up, and film as quickly as possible before the cops showed up to shut them down. The man may be hard to work with, he may be demanding and even occassionally bring his stars to tears, but the man is a badass and nobody can deny that.

Sometimes is takes a badass to make a badass and that is certainly the case when it comes to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Who knows where Schwarzenegger would be today without landing the role in this film. Like Kanye and Taylor Swift, Cameron made that bitch famous. Sure his career had already started with the Conan movies but does anybody really think those parts were going to help him ascend to the next level? Would he have ever reached the heights that he has without these 17 lines of dialogue that gave him the opportunity to get better before his next role? Schwarzenegger could barely speak English back in the day and his accent has never really faded but he was able to overcome that due to the iconic part that made him famous.

When you look at Arnold Schwarzenegger you have to marvel at what the man has accomplished. Here is an immigrant body builder who has risen to the heights of the acting world, married into one of America’s most famous families, successfully entered and exited politics, and maintains his fame even now. I think he is a true example of how anybody is capable of anything in this country. It truly is the land of opportunity for certain people and Arnold Schwarzenegger is a prime example. At one point Schwarzenegger was the highest paid actor in Hollywood, he was elected to not one but two terms as The Govenator, and now he is slowly becoming Donald Trump 2.0. It’s an interesting story and I’m sure there are so many untold stories behind the man that only deepen the intrigue. There are probably already several books written about him but I’d really like to read the one that covers the whole life. There is still an uncertain future that lies ahead and Arnold Schwarzenegger is a man who can reach out and grab it for himself.

One of the reasons this is one of my favorite Schwarzenegger roles is that he actually plays the bad guy in this movie. The cold hearted ruthless bad guy that doesn’t eat or sleep but simply kills and will never stop. I may give a lot of credit to Cameron for how things turned out for Schwarzenegger but he brought his own ability to this movie. It wasn’t enough to look the part so much, he had to be the part. Schwarzenegger didn’t want to act like a robot, he wanted to be a robot. He spent countless hours working with guns prior to shooting and got so good that he was literally criticized for being too good by gun enthusiasts. His presence looms over this movie so much that it’s a tribute to his own personal prowess as a man and person. He only has 17 lines in this movie and speaks less than Stallone did in Rocky when he specifically wrote the part with little dialogue to mask his difficulty speaking. Interesting the parallels of the once action kings right? Schwarzenegger and Stallone both had problems speaking and burst onto the scene with movies that had them speaking less.

Funny factoid, OJ Simpson was originally considered and desired for the role of the terminator but he was deemed too nice. It was thought that people would never be able to accept him as a cold blooded killer. You can twist your head around backwards trying to imagine how that decision may have changed the fate of the American timeline right there. Would OJ and not Arnold turned into America’s fan favorite action star? How different his life would have been…

James Cameron was fond of casting Michael Biehn and I’ve always liked that about him too. I don’t know the story behind Biehn and why he never quite made it to the next level of acting but I have always been a big fan of his work. I think one of the problems with all these new Terminator films is that they keep trying to recast Kyle Reese and they fail. You just can’t top Biehn in the part. I think this is where he was at his best with his role in Aliens a close second, his role in the Abyss certainly doesn’t win him any awards. When I was little and would play with my G.I. Joes there was always a character who would play out a Reese scenario and generally be molded after the character. One of my favorites would be the soldier lost in time and have to fight his way through all the others.

Don’t want to delve too far into Sarah Hamilton here because there is really more to be said of her in the sequel Terminator 2 when she goes full blown Ripley. In this movie she is the soft and delicate victim. In truth a very typical character that we usually see in slasher films, which as a matter of fact some actually consider The Terminator to be. However one difference being that she actually gets down and dirty yet still survives in the end. Sarah Conner isn’t some typical teen running from the killer though, she’s the adolescent badass of the future. Of course she has sex and still manages to survive. Plus she had to make Jon Connor, and become badass mother of the future.

This was one of the most popular movies I remember growing up. The 80s were a terrific time with many groundbreaking and legendary movies being made but this one sticks out as different. I do not know how old I was when I saw it for the first time but I remember where I was and who I was with. It was a movie that I never would have been allowed to watch at home but it was with my Aunt and Uncle that I saw it for the first time. I remember learning the word motherfucker and thinking it was just awesome. I generally credit Wesley Snipes and Passenger 57 for teaching me that beloved nomenclature but this actually preceded it by quite a while. My parents probably would have flipped had they known I had seen this movie but I had a cool uncle and he introduced me to a lot.

Eventually I would enter into a new family dynamic around the age of  10 or so and in that household the action movie was king. We would watch action movies all the time and over and over again. The Terminator and it’s sequel were some of the most popular and to this day the movies are regularly referenced in my household. In fact I think there is a specific corner of my brother’s brain where the movies just play on a loop non stop. I’ll get to more of that with Judgement Day, but the point being this was an influential movie not only in the movie industry but in the very household I grew up in and in my young life.

I have rambled on for a long time now and still have managed to say so little about something so big. There is so much more to this movie and I could never hope to cover it. I may know it like the back of my hand but there is still so much that I know nothing about. For example, there was probably a lot James Cameron’s wife, Gale Anne Hurd, had to do with it as she has gone on to have a really storied career herself. There is a lot to be said of Stan Winston and the special effects his company were able to create. With a movie so influential and groundbreaking there are plenty of people and things to cover but I think it’s time for this rambler to ramble on.

If you haven’t seen this movie then frankly I think there is something wrong with you. Maybe you’re a kid that doesn’t know any better and been blinded by all these new Terminator movies, I’ll get to that in the review for the third film. Point being any movie enthusiast has already seen this movie and they know. Not only is it worth your time but it’s worth your money, it’s worth your attention, and it’s worth that sponge inside of all of us that absorbs influence and binds to the fiber of our soul. This movie isn’t going to change your life or anything but it’s going to entertain the hell out of you. It’s going to raise the bar for what you expect of movies because it shows what a movie is capable of. Even after more than thirty years and multiple attempts to recreate they simply can’t do what this movie does.

NEXT MOVIE: Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) 

George R.R. Martin’s Song of Anticipation and Disappointment

11/28/17

This is not for virgin eyes, if you are opposed to the fuck word or any other form of profanity then get the fuck out because I’m too pissed to be polite. 

I have been patient, I have been loyal, but now I am flat out flabbergasted….

For six goddamn years I have waited! I have read the first five books of The Song of Fire and Ice at least six times over those six years so the story would be fresh on my mind when the sixth book came out (what a foolish notion that has turned into). I even read that motherfucking history book about the seven kingdoms more than once and it read like a fucking textbook. With each re-reading my anticipation grew and my love for the narrative deepened.

I quit watching the show for good in season four and loudly hated on it as a watered down version of something better. I would wait for the next book and not get spoilers out of that sub par version. I would wait patiently for the countless mysteries put forth to be explained in true fashion and avoid finding out anything from the convoluted story that fit into HBO’s budget.

Some time ago, the show bypassed the books and started telling stories that should have remained secret. I have avoided the spoilers on the internet. Do you have any fucking clue how hard it is to avoid Game of Thrones spoilers on the fucking internet? How diligent and disciplined you have to be to sit and wait while the answers are practically screaming at you through your computer screen? It’s a fucking nightmare, with every new season of the show comes months of filtering through my internet feed to avoid what I don’t want to know.

I hear from everybody how great the show is but I hear the same thing about The Walking Dead and all those Dead Heads are wrong too. The written material is twice as good as anything put on screen and I won’t lower myself to the level of watching it. I am a reader and I take pride in it. Reading is more fulfilling and too many people are simply too lazy. I quit watching in season 4 because the story didn’t even make sense anymore. So much had been changed and cut out I didn’t understand how a non reader could even follow it.

So, I have sat and waited. I have bided my time and maintained discipline. I believed I would eventually be rewarded for all my waiting. I have waited since 2011, six years and counting. Everybody tried to tell me what I was missing out on but I tuned them out and I waited, like the good fan that I am, for the actual vision of the creator, Mr. George R.R. Martin, to become available when The Winds of Winter is published.

During this time of waiting I began to google a possible release date. For over two years I have searched Google every single day looking for an answer to when The Winds of Winter might be released. Just a casual search fit somewhere into my daily routine just in case news dropped. With each passing day, month, year it has always been the same… “maybe this year.” Well today ladies and gentlemen I got an actual answer to that search. After two years of waiting, searching, and getting nothing I finally saw an answer today.

July 2019….July 20 fucking 19!!!!!!!!! Here I was thinking the book could drop at any time and not only is it not coming out soon but it isn’t even reasonably close. That’s eight fucking years between books and there is still another to follow after that!

I don’t even know if I’ll be alive in July 2019! Will George R.R. Martin still be alive in July 2019??? Will you be alive in July 2019? That’s so far in the future who the fuck knows what will happen??? Stephen King will probably publish ten books within that time frame and a couple of them will match in length.

I am beside myself with disappointment, frustration, and more than anything absolute anger. Absolute anger doesn’t even cover it. I’m enraged as I imagine many of the other true fans are too. I don’t want to see all the floppy dicks on HBO to find out what happens to Jon Snow. Delightful as they are I don’t care to see Emilia Clarke’s tits over and over again to find out if Dany ever comes back to Westeros. I don’t want to see all the shortcuts and rewrites of something I love just to find out what happens next! I don’t want to stare blindly into my television at something that isn’t the way it is supposed to be but instead overcompensates with violence and sexuality.

This is something I have kept pure in my obsession with stories. I am not opposed to spoilers for generally everything else but Game of Thrones was something I wanted to find out for myself in a personal and private manner. I’ll never forget how it felt to read the Red Wedding for the first time. That shock and dismay that I thought I’d never move past only to find out that the excitement was just beginning.

I can’t get that feeling out of the show, it’s ruined for me by my intimate knowledge of the material having read these books so many times. All I can see when I watch the show is what’s wrong, and there is so much that is just wrong. I want the next book! How the fuck is it not going to be finished until 2019??? Eight years George R.R. Martin? You leave us with the Varys cliffhanger and then make us wait eight years to find out what follows?

That’s bullshit and I have had enough. All my patience and all my discipline have been for naught. I could just as well google the answer to every question I have now and know in seconds what they did on the show but it’ll never live up to what I’ve been waiting for. It won’t be as rich and as in depth as what I will find in the books but after six fucking years of patience I am fucking through.

You have shit on all of us George R.R. Martin! I will not wait another two years to find out what you have in mind because you don’t deserve me as a fan. I have argued on your behalf at great length with fervor but you have fucked me. I feel like an idiot right now because I had faith that you would finish the fucking book and prove all these amateurs to be nothing more than that.

Sorry fans of the show, I know you outnumber me dramatically, but I’ve seen beneath something that you’ve only seen the surface of. I know the story and characters inside and out in ways you can never understand. I have stood above you with a sense of pride as if I was somehow better having read the books but those books have now made a fool out of me. I’m not better, I’m not even in the know now thanks to HBO, George R.R. Martin, and my stubborn decision to stay loyal to the source.

Well that’s all over. I will not wait another two years for what may or may not ever happen. Hope George R.R. Martin is happy. I imagine that fat bastard swimming around a pool full of money like Scrooge McDuck and laughing at me. Sipping Mai Tais, making it rain, and not writing a fucking word.  I hear he gets touchy when asked if he will live long enough to finish the books. What’s really bothering him is if he will live long enough to spend all that cash that he has. Lazy fucking bastard that creates something awesome and sells it away before it is truly finished.

I’m throwing in the towel, giving up, and scrapping the last six years of waiting. Amber and I will soon be tuning in for the boobs and blood. Maybe I’ll forget all the reading and be mesmerized by the shock value the show whores out to people. People don’t want to take the time to read something magnificent, they just want to see the bloody highlights.

George R.R. Martin sold out a long time ago and I was too much of a fool to see the writing on the wall. Everybody told me so but I stubbornly resisted the notion. These amateurs couldn’t possibly be right about anything with all the garbage they’re swallowing with their eyes. Well, jokes on me! I don’t know now if the book is ever actually coming out but I know one thing for sure. I’m not waiting another two fucking years for it.

I guess what this all amounts to is eating crow. I was wrong, and as painful as it is to admit that, I’m here to admit my mistake. You motherfucking amateurs are right and I am nothing more than a foolish know it all who believed in something better. I may never believe in anything again because such a things proves time and time again to be foolhardy.

Thanks George R.R. Martin, you’ve robbed me not only of my time but of my ability to believe! I will wade into the water with the rest of the masses and drown myself in the watered down Game of Thrones. What sucks the most is that motherfucker will still get his in the end because by breaking and watching the show I am just lining his pocket more.

Final Thought: There is a small part of me that wants to cling to the hope that this is simply not true. A smoke screen. Disinformation so that the publication of the book carries the same shock value as the content. Sadly I think I might as easily wish on a star and expect to be taller tomorrow. It’ll be a while before I can start binging the show anyway….maybe Christmas miracles do happen. However, if it doesn’t happen I’m not waiting around until 2019. Brace yourself folks, I’m about to become a hypocrite.

 

Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny

Year: 2006
Directed By: Liam Lynch
Written By: Jack Black, Kyle Gass, and Liam Lynch

RYAN’S REVIEW

I was never much of a Jack Black fan, until I saw this movie. In fact I had to be practically forced to see the movie by Amber whose persistence paid off when I found not only did I like it but I loved it. The movie had me from the very beginning when little JB sings his tasty jam. I love that song, as well as many in the movie. I have the entire soundtrack downloaded on iTunes, and I rarely skip it when it comes up on random play. Songs like Kickapoo and Beezleboss literally put me in a better mood when I hear them and that still surprises me over ten years later.

Jack Black has been around forever and slowly risen through the ranks to be a leading man but I was having none of it. I have actually to this day still never seen arguably his most famous movie, School of Rock, and the same goes for Nacho Libre. I didn’t see them when they came out on principle because I simply didn’t like Black. So many people told me I should see them, but I have always been a stubborn fan when I got my mind set on something and I had my mind set on Black. I think it stems from Orange County and the role he had in that film. I had mixed feelings about it but one thing that really annoyed me was Black’s over the top portrayal as the drug addict brother.

I felt completely different after seeing this movie and didn’t shy away from his movies afterwards but I never went back. Maybe somewhere deep in my subconscious I’m a little frustrated at how thoroughly Amber put me in my place on the subject of Jack Black and I stubbornly stand by my original principles out of spite when it comes to movies like School of Rock and Nacho Libre. Maybe one day I’ll check those out and realize how wrong I have been for all these years. It’d make a lot of sense actually because I admire Black’s musical skills so much. School of Rock just makes sense, but that stubborn fan in me is unrelenting.

I love this movie, through and through, but I think there is an easy formula that won me over with it. Start off with a bang and leave them laughing in the end. I’ve already mentioned how much I love the beginning of the movie with little Jack Black and Meatloaf. It’s funny and fun. It’s a great song too and it sets the entire tone for the movie. Check this out and tell me it’s not a great way to start a movie:

Kickapoo hits the mark and I feel the Rock when I hear it and I feel the passion. I love the tasty jam and it’s delightful use of the fuck word. It takes me back to when I was a young child trying to rock out in my own religious home. I have always loved my explicit material but it was absolutely not accepted in both of the religious homes I grew up in. One of the most embarrassing memories I have from the age of yesteryear was how I saved up enough money to buy some music. I don’t remember how old I was but back then we were buying tapes. I bought Green Day’s Dookie album on tape and I was pumped. I’ll never forget that after meeting my dad in another store he took one look and went all Meatloaf on me. In one of the most humiliating moments I had at that age I had to stand there while my dad loudly demanded my money back for garbage they had no business selling to someone so young. It was only one of the most famous albums ever but it had “four letter words” in it. My dad wasted not a second tearing the tape open and reading the lyrics on the inside when I showed him what I had gotten. The same went on in the other household when I was scolded for listening to Nine Inch Nails or Snoop Dogg. I’ll be honest, I don’t know what I’d do as a parent myself, but I’d be more likely to confiscate and keep it for myself than to humiliate or whip out the belt.

Tangent over and back to the point. Kickapoo was a great opening that follows with some fun and some shenanigans before leading up to an ending that blows me away every time. There is little more I love more in the combination of music and film than Tenacious D and their rock off with the devil. I love the devil, who was played by the giant Dave Grohl of Nirvana and the Foo Fighters. Though I’ve never been a fan I have to have respect for such a key figure in the history of rock, but I think as the devil he rocks the hell out of this shit. “I’m the devil I love metal!” that’s just fucking awesome. See for yourself:

I love how blasphemous it is and how awesome. It doesn’t matter if it makes any sense or if it’s practical. It’s all about the Rock and this absolutely fucking rocks. I love that not only is the devil funny and on point but when he rocks you can feel the difference. It would only make sense that the devil was the greatest rocker of all time.

I love a movie that catches me so by surprise and wins my affection despite all my instincts. When a movie proves me wrong it reminds me that I’m not right about everything and I think we would all be better off with a little bit of a reminder to that undeniable fact. Amber had been after me to watch this movie for months back in 06 or 07 and I refused as long as I possibly could. She owned the album for the film on CD and would play it often. I would get frustrated because with no context I hated listening to it. That’s something else she was right about because I find myself in an on going love affair with the music still after all these years.

This movie is overwhelmingly silly at times but that’s all part of the fun. Where this movie wins is with the music and that’s fitting because it achieves what it is literally trying to do. I may have avoided this movie and done my best to not see it, but when I did I fell in love with something unexpectedly. This is some of the most fun I have watching any movie and I love when the songs hit my playlist on random and I can feel that fun all over again. I think this movie is worth your time, your attention, and your ears and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

NEXT MOVIE: The Terminator (1984)